As I mentioned in an earlier blog it requires a lot of energy to be a leader in the home. When it comes to managing conflict it requires a ton. I have heard it said that more than 50% of a manager’s time at work is spent on resolving conflict. I would venture to say that a mother and/or fathers time spent in resolving conflict is close to that if not higher. In some homes it might even be considered staggering. But I also believe that investing time in resolving it the right way can lessen it considerably later on.
Conflict resolution requires the expenditure of lots of emotional energy, and many parents are not up to it. So as a result conflict resolution goes something like the following. Your son comes to you and says that your daughter pulled his hair. Your response is "tell her if she does that again she will be in big trouble." Or maybe your response is "tell her to come here right now." When she arrives you put her in the corner and you tell her never to do that again! I have been guilty of such "conflict resolution" in my own home.
The other day I decided to stop and resolve a conflict between two of my sons like I would at work. The conflict revolved around one of my sons (who we will call Greg) accusing his brother (who we will call Peter) of breaking a toy he was particularly fond of. Peter took great offense to Greg's accusations and threatened him. As a result Peter lost it. When I arrived both were out of breath and real angry.
I decided instead of becoming upset myself I would do a couple of things. First, I would listen to both of them, of course each of their stories initially favored their side. Second, I asked them if they could understand why the other was so upset and to put themselves in their brothers shoes. I asked Greg what he thought Peter's intent was. Was it to break the toy? And then asked Peter how he would have reacted if someone had threatened him? Third, I asked them what they could have done differently. And fourth, I had them shake hands and apologize. After that everything was fine and there were tears of regret instead of anger.
This four step approach to conflict resolution mediation (listen, understand, evaluate and apologize) was successful because each of them stopped and thought about their behavior, reflected on how the other must have felt and then evaluated how they could have acted differently. Instead of forcing them to apologize or swiftly punishing them, I invested time to help them understand and evaluate their behavior. It is the same thing I would have done in the workplace, but now I am doing it at home.
MGR
