Leadership for Families

Holy cow! What's going on here?

In watching this video you have to ask did this mother fail or is this 10 year old little boy just a "bad seed?"

What type of leadership failure in a home would cause this? Is a mother really the boss of someone? Would it ever be okay to engage in this type of conflict (besides the slap of course) with an employee? And finally, is his name really "Dude?"

Mike Rogers
www.secondg.net
www.teamworkandleadership.com

There are coaches and there are leaders

This is a guest post from Phil Wrzesinski , President of Toy House and Baby Too, America's Largest Independent Toy Store.

I love stories that talk about the quiet and unheralded leadership heroes of America. Coach Johnson is one of those leaders and heroes. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Coach and a Leader

My son's little league team lost in the playoffs last night. It was amazing they even made it that far. This was a team of castoffs from the start.

Four weeks after practice began and two games into the season, a few kids had been mistakenly left off teams. Rather than add them to existing teams, the league found a coach and created a new team by drafting kids from other clubs. No one would admit it, but since each existing team had coaches' sons and hand-picked friends, the kids drafted (including my son) were the 7th best kid or worse from their respective teams.

With little practice time and no printed schedule for the first three weeks, Coach Johnson did the best he could to figure out what he had and build some sort of team. In their first week of games, little Noah, one of the smallest kids in the league was hit by a pitch two or three times. It took every ounce of courage and every word of encouragement from his coach for him to even step back in the batter's box. In their third game, they lost 14-3 in 4 innings to one of the premier teams in the league - victims of the mercy rule that only allowed 5 runs per inning.

There were issues with the rules. Coach Johnson was given one set of rules. Apparently other coaches had decided to use different rules, and the umps seemed to have a rulebook of their own.

Still, through encouraging words, never allowing his kids to feel like castoffs,Coach Johnson crafted them into a team that could win. Even without a true pitcher, they won enough to make the playoffs and face one of the three teams that had mercied them earlier in the season.

And they won!

But last Thursday they went up against the #1 ranked team that had beaten them 14-3 earlier, a team loaded with all-star 10-yr olds instead of a mix of 8 to 10 yr olds that other teams had.

For two innings neither team could score. In the 3rd my son's team took a 2 run lead that they held until the bottom of the 5th. The game entered the 6th and final inning all tied at 2. With two outs in the top of the 6th, our last chance was little Noah. The dugout was cheering him on, knowing that a walk was probably the best they could hope. Noah had barely stayed in the batter's box, let alone actually swung at a pitch. This time, with teeth gritted, Noah did stand in there and swung with all his might. The bat met the ball with a force that shook little Noah to his toes. But he held strong and watched the ball head sharply toward right field.

The players in the dugout jumped to their feet urging Noah to run. The crowd was cheeringly loudly. The noise was deafening, louder than at any other point in the game. Little Noah's legs churned as fast as they could.

The first baseman, unaffected by the cacophony of crowd noises, calmy scooped up the grounder, took two steps towards first base and made the out, with Noah still 15 feet away.

But there was no groan from the crowd nor the dugout. No moans at the lost chance, no 'aw shucks' or 'too bad'. The cheering continued. And continued. Noah was given a hero's welcome as he returned. Every player slapped him a congrats on his helmet as they headed out to the field for the fateful bottom of the 6th. Coach Johnson had taught these boys that there were things more important than hits and outs.

Even the cheers from the crowd of parents who had witnessed Noah's trials from the beginning never abated. His parents were given high fives and pats on the back as he jogged out to right field.

One batter later, however, the game was over. A missed call by the ump, some intimidation by the opposing coach, and a couple of bad throws ended the game 3-2. But there were no losers in this game. Coach Johnson wouldn't let it happen. After the game and the obligatory handshake, he called his team together.

At the end of the season each player gets a free coupon for a Pizza Hut pizza. But Coach Johnson went one step further. He didn't call it a gift or freebie, he called it an Award. Before he handed each kid his coupon, he called them up and explained why they were getting this award. He talked about each kid and his contribution to the team. He talked about the energy and can-do attitudes they brought to the season. He talked about their desire to never quit. He talked about determination and always holding your head high. By the time he talked about Noah, there wasn't a dry eye in the crowd, parents and kids alike.

Coach Johnson coaches whatever sport needs to be coached. He already had a travel basketball team when they called him to coach little league. And now he's running practices for a summer football team. He asked my son, who is big for his age, if he would like to play football this summer. My son, who does not like physical contact at all, actually gave it some consideration. Why? Two words... Coach Johnson.

I had my doubts on this season. My son was on one of the best teams to start the year, great coaches, great players and great parents. I sat through two nights of tears when he found out he was drafted to the new team. I had my reservations watching the first practice and seeing the lack of talent. And when Parker's old team mercied them early in the season, I sat through another night of tears.

But after last night, I can honestly say I'm glad it worked out the way it did. And my son would agree. He still wants to go the final game to cheer on his old team, but he has no regrets for how his season turned out, except maybe that strikeout in the 5th inning.

There are coaches and there are leaders. This summer, a group of 8 to 10 year old castoffs got both. And I doubt any one of them will forget it. My son and I certainly won't.

Thanks, Coach Johnson, for making this season special.

Coaches teach the basic skills, leaders teach the important lessons of life.

Question... Are you coaching or are you leading?

To view Phil's blog go to http://philstoyforum.blogspot.com/

Mike Rogers
http://www.secondg.net

What could I be doing better honey?

Great leaders always ask the question “what can I do better?” They then listen and then do something about it.

 

I recently asked my wife that question. She gave me a list of six items that I wrote down on paper. I told her that I would be checking in from time to time to see how I was doing. She said that would be fine. Well, I have done that (checked in a few times), and I am seeing improvement, so is she. It has improved our relationship.

 

This is a simple exercise that can be used in any setting. It is hard to hear a lot of times, but it builds trust and helps you improve. You might even try it with your children. Ask them what you can do better as a father or mother. Don’t try to defend yourself, just listen. If kids feel like you are listening and really do care they will more likely open up to you, which will allow for greater communication in future settings. But remember; if you ask, then make sure you make efforts to improve.

 

Mike Rogers
www.teamworkandleadership.com
www.secondg.net

A teenager takes accountability - can you believe it?

It isn't very often that you see someone take accountability for their actions in the news these days. However, this teenager impressed me. The headline in our daily newspaper here in Cedar City, UT reads "Vehicles collide on Main Street." Michael Hurley 18, said after the accident with 64 year old Phyllis Richards (who received minor injuries) "This is the first crash I have ever had, he said. I was just going to fast and I didn't see her. My main concern is not about me. I am concerned about her. I'm really shaken up, I feel terrible.

My question is how do you teach this type of accountability and honesty in the home?

Mike Rogers
www.leadershipforfamilies.com

Blaming Others for Failure

I have been pondering the last few weeks a new concept I learned called the fundamental attribution error which is that the tendency for people is to attribute others mistakes to their character and their success to their environment. But when we make a mistake we attribute it to our environment and when we have success we attribute it to our character.

I was watching a television show the other day that centered on parents pushing their children in to celebrity status. One parent’s passion was beauty pageants. She entered her five year old daughter into every pageant she could get her into. She started out winning many of them. However, eventually she started coming in second and third place and always behind one particular contestant. While the mother would try to teach the girl that winning wasn’t the most important thing, she would then turn around to the camera and curse the little girl who was placing higher than her daughter time and time again. She would say things like, I am sick and tired of that family, that girl is not as pretty as mine, those stupid judges don’t know what they are doing etc… etc…

This was fundamental attribution error at its best. When her daughter was winning it was because she was the most talented and prettiest. But when she started losing, it was because the judges weren’t being fair, not that the prettier and more talented girls were beating her.

This can become a real blind spot in our lives. It shifts blame to someone or something else and limits our ability to develop. We do this, according to psychologists, so we can see the world as just and limit our perceived threats. We do it to protect ourselves and particularly our ego.

Parenting leadership creates a need however for us to help our children understand that life isn’t always fair and that they will have to work very hard and continue to develop in order to achieve whatever it is their dreams are. We have many opportunities and situations to teach our children. Lessons about overcoming obstacles and persevering are some of the best lessons we can be taught in life.

It is important to teach that “failure is an event, not a person.” — Zig Ziglar. It’s about learning from our mistakes and getting better. Each person is unique and as leaders our role is to bring out that uniqueness and encourage greatness, whether in business or at home.

MGR

Conflict Resolution at Home

As I mentioned in an earlier blog it requires a lot of energy to be a leader in the home. When it comes to managing conflict it requires a ton. I have heard it said that more than 50% of a manager’s time at work is spent on resolving conflict. I would venture to say that a mother and/or fathers time spent in resolving conflict is close to that if not higher. In some homes it might even be considered staggering. But I also believe that investing time in resolving it the right way can lessen it considerably later on.

 

Conflict resolution requires the expenditure of lots of emotional energy, and many parents are not up to it. So as a result conflict resolution goes something like the following. Your son comes to you and says that your daughter pulled his hair. Your response is "tell her if she does that again she will be in big trouble." Or maybe your response is "tell her to come here right now." When she arrives you put her in the corner and you tell her never to do that again! I have been guilty of such "conflict resolution" in my own home.

 

The other day I decided to stop and resolve a conflict between two of my sons like I would at work. The conflict revolved around one of my sons (who we will call Greg) accusing his brother (who we will call Peter) of breaking a toy he was particularly fond of. Peter took great offense to Greg's accusations and threatened him. As a result Peter lost it. When I arrived both were out of breath and real angry.

I decided instead of becoming upset myself I would do a couple of things. First, I would listen to both of them, of course each of their stories initially favored their side. Second, I asked them if they could understand why the other was so upset and to put themselves in their brothers shoes. I asked Greg what he thought Peter's intent was. Was it to break the toy? And then asked Peter how he would have reacted if someone had threatened him? Third, I asked them what they could have done differently. And fourth, I had them shake hands and apologize. After that everything was fine and there were tears of regret instead of anger.

 

This four step approach to conflict resolution mediation (listen, understand, evaluate and apologize) was successful because each of them stopped and thought about their behavior, reflected on how the other must have felt and then evaluated how they could have acted differently. Instead of forcing them to apologize or swiftly punishing them, I invested time to help them understand and evaluate their behavior. It is the same thing I would have done in the workplace, but now I am doing it at home.

 

MGR

Lazy Parenting - Drivers and Passengers

Leadership at work takes lots of effort; leadership at home seems to take even more! We have to be on constant guard of “lazy parenting” as a result.

I often hear parents say that their children are their best friends and that they can make all of their own decisions. I cringe when I here this, there is a reason children have parents. As a result there will usually be a lack of teaching, accountability and discipline in that home. Parents who take the “lazy parenting” approach don’t have their eyes on the long term good of the child. Could you imagine a manager not holding his or her employees accountable and avoiding any type of conflict for the sake of being “best friends?” Productivity would suffer and eventually neither the employee nor manager would feel fulfilled at work. Such an approach will do far more harm than good.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t have fun with children or employees, but somebody has to be the driver/leader or else the family or team will eventually crash. Someone has to hold the children or employees accountable for their actions, choices, performance etc… Someone has to stand up and take the lead.

David Cottrell, author of the best selling book “Monday Morning Leadership” speaks about the important differences between drivers and passengers in a vehicle in the workplace. Passengers can play while driving; drivers have to keep their eyes on the road.

Parenting requires the same focus as a driver. Some parents engage in unhealthy passenger behavior with their children that can include talking negative about teachers, coaches, neighbors, the child’s friends etc… Other negative passenger behavior includes not having rules or not holding children accountable to broken rules. There are many other examples of passenger behavior I could outline. The important thing is that parents who want to take a leadership role in the home realize that they are drivers in their homes and it requires focus, energy (much more than a passenger) and discipline.

Beware of passenger behavior in the home; it can easily lull you into falling asleep at the wheel.

MGR

The How and Why...

This blog was born through an idea I had. I am an organizational and leadership consultant by profession (secondg.net) and a father of eight children. I have studied, trained and consulted with many people on leadership concepts. I have also served in a number of leadership capacities in volunteer work (church and coaching). There always seems to be a large gap between what I practice in business and volunteer work and what I do at home. The why and how are two things I would like explore on this blog.

In addition, this blog will become a personal diary of sorts. As I figure the “how” out, I will apply it and write about it.